Riding in Carz with Boyz: Dancing Among the Flowers

This time of year is always tough on me and me family.......

January brings with it the much awaited celebration of the birth of my baby brother. A sweet little blond baby with a memorizing bright smile, contagious laughter, and the kind of personality that people just found themselves drawn to. Now I don't say this often (cause I'm the funny one!! okay!! LOL) but he was much more funny than I am. He was warm hearted and kind, and had a likability factor that I envied. He was easy to talk to, a hoot to stir up trouble with, and the life of any party. The essence of life flowed out of him! Maybe that is a quality the Lord gives those who will inevitably live a short life.

Beau and Stephen

Me and Stephen

February is a short month! Lol! Less money, less days, and just bone chilling cold. It brings in it's wake a variety of cold and flu viruses, yum! Since we don't have any money and the fact that frost bite is emanate upon exiting the house, we stay in doors ---all cuddled up with one another. Without knowing that one or more of us are each carrying a different strain of whatever 'bug' is milling about, we all get sick.....over and over and over and over...... Lol! I mean we were taught to share and share alike --we don't take that lightly! Not to mention, at the very core of who we are, we are givers! Lol!

No personal space when it comes to love!

Then March. Oh, March how I dislike you but I really try not to! By March everything is dead! If it has not died already, it is dead now. The once vibrant flowers are a long lost memory, lush grass is a deathly brown, trees are emaciated ghostly figures void of the splendor and life they once held, any trace of wildlife or birds have been buried under inches of snow, dead leaves, and decaying roughage from seasons past ---everything is a flat, lifeless shade of brown.

The greatest burden of all, is an unimaginable weight that I (my family) have to carry every year, the untimely, violent death of my youngest brother. March 14, 2013 makes it a grand total of 15 years! 15 years! I can hardly comprehend that number. The pain of his absence in my life has never decreased. Once denial no longer has any value, anger has almost crushed your spirit, bargaining with the Lord has not brought forth a modern day resurrection, and depression has stolen all of your joy, you are left with the sharp, edged blade of acceptance. An acceptance that is hard to swallow....like one thousand flaming swords. At the end of grief's road is pure, untainted, neverending loss. Have the years gotten easier and life a resemblance of normal? Of course! But this time of year brings with it a monkey that has a death grip that latches itself to our shoulders and whispers its fear-inducing lies --- it invades our inner most thoughts and touches the core of where our tender most protected spots lay. The monkey is lighter but he still comes.

Peace before the storm

Every March, I find myself anxious. If John or the kids are late coming home or the bus is delayed, I'm sure they have suffered a nightmarish death. I don't want them to go anywhere.....I need to watch them. Because, somehow, my watchful eye will undeniable save them from death! Ha! Irrational, I know. If they go fishing, I'm sure one or all of them have drowned. Going to their friends' house will only equate in some kind of accidental shooting. And it gets worse then this people! I have a very vivid and active imagination that not only helps me weave wonderful tales, but can also leave me paralyzed with a fear filled terror.

What do I love about this season: my first child was born, and oh! what a wonderful life changing day that was! The Lord sent him to John and I at a very critical time in our lives (I'll save that story for a time when I'm feeling a little less vulnerable and a lot more brave). He changed us; and thank you God that he did!

The greatest: God presses, tangible, into me. I can literally feel the very arms of my Christ carrying me --comforting me. I can hear His beautiful song that He sings over me ---calming my fears. I can feel him dancing gracefully with me in His arm ---bringing my joy back. I believe that the Lord is 'very' close to those who have suffered unimaginable losses and tragedies --for He Himself knows how deep, how wide, and how great the pain is.

Isaiah 61:3

and to help the sorrowing people
I will give them a crown to replace their ashes,
and the oil of gladness to replace their sorrow,
and clothes of praise to replace their spirit of sadness.
Then they will be called Trees of Goodness,
trees planted by the Lord to show his greatness.

I'm not saying in anyway that the Lord isn't close to all of those who love Him. I simply believe that some people require more from Him then others. Some may need His direction more, some may need his comfort more, some may require more protection, and so on.... He loves us all the same but our souls cry out their own individual cry to Him. He is a personal God not an everyone-gets-the-same-treatment God. As with our children, they have unique needs, and require different levels of affection and attention. My love for each of them is deep and profound but my 'handleing' of them is very different.

However, I am God's favorite!! Lol!! And I really have no pride when saying this. I teach my boys to say this, and I try to remind myself all the time of this fact. I am God's favorite. John is God's favorite! Noah is God's favorite! Connor is God's favorite! Joseph is God's favorite!

____________________________ is God's favorite! His most beloved!
*insert your name here*

Yesterday when I left for work, I choked back tears of joy because I saw at the very edge of the grass, a vibrant green starting to pop out. A green that screams: Life is bursting forth! Joy bubbled within me like a well spring that is getting ready to overflow. I went through my day with an expectant hope, that He makes all things new --even me! When I got home, I promptly went to work on my churchy duties, and stumble across this song. I immediately made a video because I know it is a message from the Lord!! (I said that in my veggie tale Jonah voice!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=YoFKqpyw58c

As I'm finishing this vid and wiping faith-filled tears from my eyes, my neighbor calls me. She is super excited, because it is her daughter's birthday and she cannot contain her joy of wanting to share what she has created for her beautiful 9 year old girl! I reluctantly get up, because I'm involved with this song, at this point, but I feel a nudge from the spirit to indulge my neighbor.

I get over there and hastily gulp the lump growing in my already tender throat (I am not a public cryer...no offense to her or anyone else, I'm just not! Lol!)

Seriously my friend has created a sight that my sore eyes needed! Life busting forth! Earth screaming its harmonious melody: I'm coming alive! And I cried with it: Lord, make me come alive!!!!

Here is a fraction of what I saw (and yes, I am that weird friend/neighbor that will take pictures of your stuff!! Lol). I must tell you that she owns her own wedding and event floral company --she is super talented!!