Anyhow, as I sung along with her, I was struck with the thought that I have no idea what a good Father is. Here's the chorus line so we can understand what I'm going to lay down:
You're a good, good Father.
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are.
And I'm loved by You.
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.
I never experienced a good, good Father, which had me at a loss for how to identify with this song. I couldn't put my finger on God being a Good Father. What does that even mean? If I had a good Father, that would make me what? Seriously, what? What does it mean to sing, you're a good Father, and that I'm loved by Him, AND that makes me who I am? I was completely confused. Being a discarded, unwanted daughter is all I know, and I know how that shaped me -made me into who I am. I never considered that a daughter who grew up with a loving Father would think, feel, and act WAY different than me. A girl is a girl, right? Not according to this song! How my heart longed for a good Father -I literally couldn't breath as revelation of who I could have been struck me across the face.
And even though I'm a good church girl (lol!), I would cringe anytime I heard someone call God Father, or Dad, or Papa, or -the worse- Daddy! I sometimes would have to excuse myself because I thought I was literally going to puke. What a disrespect to God, I thought. He's better than a Daddy -you people have straight lost your minds! I wanted to yell in there face -the yell where spit hits their face- HE IS NOT A DADDY -STOP CALLING HIM THAT!!! I'm passionate people, not perfect.
Knowing I needed help, I asked God to show me what a Good Father is, to explain to me what that looks like. Boy did He!
As a child from an addicted, abusive home, I learned to read people and their emotions at a very early age. I can see emotion as acutely as an artist discriminating between the variation of colors. I can hear emotion as precisely as a musician tuning an instrument. I can taste emotion as intensely as a French chef's sensitive palate searching for the perfect flavor combination. I can feel emotion as sharply as a murderer strangely the life out of their victim. This is not a gift, it is a heavy unnecessary burden (however, I am hopeful that God will turn this into something beautiful) What I discovered, when talking with a dear friend today, is that my children lack this ability. I thought they were just stupid or naive (being truthful), because life would have been very-very dangerous for me, if I lacked this ability. However, my children do not have this ability, because the DO NOT need it! They have a good, good, father. They feel safe no matter where they are, no matter what is happening around them, and no matter who is around. Why? Because they have a good, good Father -John's love and protection is real and dependable and trustworthy. John is a true reflection of God's love and protection. How He loves us!
I was also reminded of all the little girls in my life, oh! how I adore them! They are FULL of love, silly, free, smiley, confident, hopeful, so,so trusting.... as I thought of them, God showed me that each of these little angels have an ah-mazing father. This is the difference! The are unafraid because of him. They feel beautiful because of him. They are confident because of him. They are hopeful because of him. The are safe because of him. They are protected because of him. They don't posses a single worry because of him. They will conquer this world because of him. That's the difference -the love of a Father- it is immeasurable, invaluable, indispensable.
As I kept rolling around this idea of having a good Father, the desire in me to change and live like I had/have a good, father suffocated me. I can't get a do over, but I can own who I am going to be today. I can't stop the pain, anger, or sadness of my father's decisions to toss me aside, I can only acknowledge that it hurts and remind myself that I do have a Good Good Father in Heaven. I don't know if I'm ready to call God my Daddy (lol) but I sure as heck want to -I want everything that that means, everything it equates, it's freedom. He IS a good, good Father. He will never leave me nor disown me, He is my kinsman redeemer, He thinks I'm courageous -a real prize! He sings over me and takes me in His great big arms and teaches me to dance, to laugh.... He sets me free from every prison and stronghold, and He sets my feet upon solid Rock. He protects me from EVERY weapon, and fights with ferocity every one of my enemies. He is trustworthy. He is in relentless pursuit of me, and will NOT let me fail. He calls me His own. I am His and He is mine.
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| I will call him Abba until I can call him Daddy |
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