In Over My Head

Today I climbed the Butte again, my new favorite pass time. I dropped my little Joe at school, put in my ear buds, called my bestie, and set off up the trail. Although the Butte looks like "a dollop of Daisy" in comparison to my beloved Rockies, this hike it HARD! The hike up is about a mile and a half, but it is straight up; a swirly-twirly incline that provides a 500ft gain in elevation. It's just a heap of dirt, trees, and sage that God plunked right in the middle-ish of Bend. A little embarrassed, I tried to carry on a convo with my girl (huffing and puffing and wheezing) the best I could. I knew if I could simply pace myself, endure the climb, and persevere past the last 90% incline to the top, I would be rewarded with a breathtaking panoramic view of Bend and it's surrounding mountain ranges.

This is the swirly-twirly trail up the Butte

It's like a little dolop of Daisy! 

Once I made it to the top, I said my goodbyes and sat myself on the west-ish ledge and gazed out over Bend and it's snowy capped mountains.

My View

My heart cried out for this city; a city I don't know, a community that I am unfamiliar with. Listen, I understand obedience -I go where He goes, I stay where He stays, His people are my people.... However, I don't understand His plan in this moment; I don't have a 5 year view of this moment in my life. You know what I'm saying? Why did he move me here? What is my calling in Bend? Who exactly are my people?

As I prayed over Bend, I cried out "WHERE? Where do I fit into all of this Lord?" His reply? "Be still, be patient!" Phooey!! Lol! Okay! I was like, " I know, I know. I am still Lord. I do wait on You, but it's too much! I have too much love in me that I may just drown if I don't find my people." This heart burns for the Lord, it burns for His people. When I dared to pray, " Lord let my heart love people like You do, let me see people the way You see them," it wrecked me. I cannot contain this supernatural love I have for people. In the natural, I can happily go through my life in a bubble and never let the 'concerns of man' mess in my atmosphere, but my spirit cries out for deep, life altering, generational bonage breaking, total transofmration, light breaking through the darkness kind of life. Where my hands dip in to help still the waters, where my words bring life to the dead places, and where my faith rocks the foundation of an entire city. 

As I watched the sun rising higher in the sky, I noticed that is was burning off the fogginess and clouds. I almost jumped to my feet, but refrained because I didn't want to scare the man and his dog that were sitting nearby -LOL. My prayer changed into this: Lord! like the sun burns off the things that inhibit my view, -my full panoramic view of heaven touching earth-  like it dissipates the directional confusions of fog, -hiding my path- and like it sweeps away the clouds, -clarity in the storm- BURN in me! Burn away the mode of operation that leads me only to depression and isolation, burn away negative thinking patterns that tell me that I am not enough, burn away confusion because with You I am never directionless, burn it all off!  

What's next? I don't know but I'm ready! I'm excited for what's next! I'm ready to shake up this city and ready to have the greatest adventures with the Lord. I'm thrilled to see what the Lord is doing in my home, in my heart, in John's heart, and in the boys' hearts. I see him piling up all of our ashes from this past few years and creating the most beautiful picture of freedom and grace that is drawn right over the tops of each Rivera heart. No matter what......whether I sink or whether I swim it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head -Jenn Johnson.

In Over My Head