Gulp!

You know that feeling you get when life's been a little tougher and rougher on you, and you just want to cry (for my girlfriends) or punch someone square in the mouth (for my guy friends)? Yeah? Well that's where I find myself today. I can weather the freaking heck out of a storm but it is the calm after it.....that's when I fall apart. I'm all sweet sword moves, profound statements of wisdom (or the most powerful lashing of the tongue! lol!), and preemptive strikes until the battle is over. And in that stillness I find myself broken, wounded, and just straight weary. Weary you say with question.

The dictionary defines it as: exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor, or freshness: having one's patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted.

Having one's pleasure exhausted would be a perfect description of how I feel after valiantly fighting life storms. The kind of weariness that feels so heavily heaped upon your head that you cannot even stand up straight anymore. The kind of weariness that breaks you down to your rawest emotions. For me I toggle between crying and anger. Being that I have 5 brothers (2 no longer with us) and all sons, I tend to try to play off my crying...cause you know your brother would beat you up when you were little for crying right! (insert nervous laugh). I'll be like *sniff sniff* the snow is so beautiful today just look at it in all its wonderful whiteness. Or *sniff sniff* I've never in my years ever tasted a brownie as moist --I mean I think my life has been forever changed. Or I swallow-swallow, gulp-gulp, choke-choke until I realize it is humanly impossible to swallow the galaxy sized lump of emotion taking up ownership in my throat!(lol) Or I start swinging to anger (cause I already have control issues that this emotion compliments so beautifully), and  this is when  I cry out to God for relief (not just for mine but for my loved ones too!), and find He is always faithful to bring it but I'm not always able to recognize His tender hand helping me up because I'm so blinded by the weight of my battle scars...PTSD at its finest!

It should be no surprise to you that my most favorite verse from the bible is Matthew 11:28-30, even before I could grasp its meaning in its entirety:  “Come to Me, all ^[a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Even seeing this verse brings tears to my eyes! lol)

Come on somebody! Who needs rest for your soul? I do! I'm raising my hand like an elementary student shaking it in the air and gasping out loud just to be noticed. So riddle me this? How do you get to the place where you say to yourself, "Stop it!" and recognize the very gentle hand of God coming down and working all things out for your good. When does it go from head knowledge or intellect to heart knowledge and complete trust and belief.....does anyone know?