Isn't it strange that during tragedy we quit listening to music? Maybe it's just me but I find that when the deepest of tragedies hit, I stop listening to music, especially heartfelt or worshipful music. Music is so intimate to me. It helps me put words to the emotions or feelings I may be having --good, bad, and sad. Music strikes so deep in my core that when I am dealing with heavy, and I mean heavy stuff, I cannot listen. Why? Because I am trying so hard to control my out-of-control feelings! (lol) I have to keep it together, you know! and if I turn just that certain song on that touches too lose to my wound, I've simply lost control of the ugly, hairy, crying beast that wants to be free. Why does crying equate a lack of control? Shoot, I don't know but it feels too vulnerable to me. I don't want people that close to my tender pain. I'm protecting it.....right?! Ha, only on the outside but without a release I know I'm headed for trouble. You know, when that said problem comes to full fruition and the after effects of 'The Great Quiet' settles over and there is only me and that blaring finality staring me in the face. The calm after the storm is not peace for me....it is an absolute hell. Why? Cause I've got nothing for my hands to do, no problems to solve, no more distractions. It's just me and my hurt. And music is not only my place of refuge but it pokes those tender bruises on my soul and calls attention to my pain. After my brother was killed, it was years before I found myself listening to any music at all. YEARS!!! Could you imagine not listening to music for years?? I can! I have! So what's my problem now, you ask? I find myself in that same situation again, in the wake of my dying father, I don't want anything poking at my problems! (lol) My duel issue...I'm the worship pastor! Oh the irony! When my brother died, I wasn't even a christian nor did I understand the immense value and preciousness of worship. And this week, I found myself missing God, missing my time to just belt it out, sing my praises, joy, heartache....my pain. Even though I found myself building up that facade of a protective brick wall around myself, I also was desperately hungry for a n intimacy that comes only from worshiping the Lord!
Today I put on my ears phones, piped in some Will Reagan and the United Pursuit Band (and if you know this band, you know I wasn't messing around with myself anymore, I went to the big daddy of worshipful songs) and I sang and cried and cried and sang. I love how God knows me so well, I love that even in the hardest times of my life he positions me in such a way that I can stay grounded.
If you find yourself in a hard spot....don't give up on the thing(s) that keep your heart open and your feet grounded. Dive in as quickly as possible...sanity is right on the other side!
Click this link to my youtube channel for some great worship songs: http://www.youtube.com/user/melrivsons1?feature=mhee
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