In it I was talking about that laundry list of ills, trials, and just straight up sucky hard times that, at times, we start to keep track of because they are either coming too frequently, or they seem to be as such. And as it would be, my list only grew and it did so exponentially with big hurts and huge losses. Not ones without insurmountable blessings tucked into each one but ones that came with such fervor that we didn't feel capable of the getting-back-up-again; we just kinda stayed down and hoped the next one wouldn't hit us....well, because it wouldn't actually have a target to hit because we were still face down in the mud! (insert nervous laugh).
As I sat here taking account of my hurts I had to force myself to add up my joys; like the following:
- John has great Workman's comp doctors (said no one ever!!) but he really really does!
- Noah's toes were not cut off when he dropped the manhole cover on his foot, cause it landed ever so perfectly on his toe nail.
- John and I received a most generous and loving gift of two (TWO!!!!!) free airline tickets to go see my dad before he died; and I will be forever greatfully for our dear precious friend (**tears**)
- Our rental car broke down the first night in Reno and John scored us a brand new Mustang for the rest of our stay! And you must know, this is my all time favorite car in the whole WORLD!!
- My Uncle Joey and Aunt Deb were the kindest and and most gracious hosts, who let us stay in their comphy and cozy house for free!!
- I spent the most amazing time with my dad just loving on him to the fullest.....he died only a couple days after I left. Priceless, life changing time.
- God fully protected our church during a very difficult time and transition and I'll forever look back at his mercy in total awe!
- My kids are healthy
- I have a great network of very supportive friends...whom even hold me accountable to my BS, if you know what I mean! (I need that people)
- I have the most amazing, generous, handsome guy in the world.....and he loves me. (I don't know if I always deserve that my friends! lol!)
- I have a JOB!!
I look at this list and feel blessed despite that sadness and hopelessness I have pitted up in the depths of my heart. The pit that tells me that I am nothing and I will never have nothing....unless it equates to utter misery and heartache! And I know I'm not the onliest one! (lol) I know there are so many people who are literally being crushed under the weigth of their 'list"; a hopelessness so great that it feels right about time to just hang up the towel, let go of the rope, and land where you may....because it can't get any worse than it is right now. I know, I've been feeling it too!
So here's what happens to me yesterday as I was crying out (maybe whining, complaining, with a little yelling) to God:
Me: (to God) I'm done!! I'm DONE! I"M done!!
God: Okay (in the most gentle, soothing, love-filled voice) Okay.
And here is what I saw:
Holding my dear sweet boys little, tiny, chubby foot in my hand filled with slivers. I'm looking into his eyes with all the love and it's-gonna-be-okay mojo I can stare into him. In my other hand, I have the tweezers and my little love is crying to me with a tear streaked face, "No more mommy, please no more, I'm done, I'm done, no more." And I ever so gentle reassure him, "Okay baby, okay, mommas done," reassuring him over and over; and all the while I continue trying to dig out those last slivers.
 |
| Look at those precious toes! |
As my favorite little curly headed orphan says, "The sun will come up tomorrow!" And, boy, when it does, it's warmth and glow are more than I can hardly handle.
 |
| The Son is shining just for you! Let Him in! |
Okay my friend, you had me in TEARS at 4:30 in the morning. That's hardly fair, but so much what I needed to hear today. Love you!! I hope to see you very soon and soak some of you in person :)
ReplyDelete