Time Heals What??

Last week, I woke up to the news of a fatal car accident that shut down the street that I drive on everyday to get to work.  I was not frustrated or irritated with traffic or being redirected, but was overtaken with grief knowing a family would hear the most horrible, awful, unimaginable news -"Your loved one has been killed." **Insert knife to the chest**

All day, I could think of nothing else! My every thought transformed into a mournful prayer, and as information came in, I was simply overwhelmed. A mother's life lost; her son's hanging in the balance --it's incomprehensible. Then it hits closer to home when I find out this young boy is on my son's football team. So terribly scary and sad! That family right now and forever more will never, and I mean NEVER, be the same again. It will be a long hard journey that will lead them wildly down twists and turns, but also a road that will seem to have no ending. Emotions will shift like the winds, taking them to 'feelings' that they never thought were possible.

 Now let me just set the record straight right here and now: time DOES NOT heal any wound! You know what I'm saying to you! Time heals nothing; it simply pushes us away from the event. Imagine you are a runner that has 5 miles to get to the finish line; however, into the first mile you fall down and break both legs. You now have to drag yourself the rest of the 4 miles to get across the finish line to get some help. Nothing but you and time and a whole lot of pain and despair. Do you think the 'time' it took you to get to the finish line did anything to heal you? Please! Left untreated, time can be the bigger tragedy. The grief process is complex and timely. 

After we experience a tragedy of this magnitude, one thing I know for sure is,  we have a decision to make about how to function in this life. Ruled by rage or love! Is this event going to propel you towards something that is greater than yourself or is it going to be an excuse to self-destruct and take down any person within a 100 mile radius?

Unfortunately many self destruct ---totally losing every piece of who they once were. And once again, I find myself struggling with the memories of my own horrible car accident.......

Twenty years ago, it was a dark and stormy night! For reals, it was. I lived in the Pacific Northwest, most nights were dark and stormy. Anyhow, I'm 17 years old and my BFF and I are all dolled up and headed towards our friend's house. His mom worked nights, so naturally there was always a party at his house. I'm excited to see my BF and she her potential BF. Lol! You know how that goes!?! So it's super dark, it's raining, and the streets are ink black wet.....

Now let me take you back a few hours..... The party has already begun and by the time my friend and I start to head there, it has been in full swing for a few hours. One of the younger girls from the next neighborhood and her friends were there drinking it up! Young Girl (I'll call her that to protect her identity) is 'tossed' and trying to hook up with one of the older guys who I guess rejects her. Upset, she leaves the house, running like a crazy person though the neighborhood, passing out in peoples' yards and a couple times in the middle of the street. Her friends chase her down, get her home, and head back to the party leaving her fast asleep ---or so they think.....

I turn into the neighbor hood, that is poorly lit, and go to turn onto the cul-de-sac that the party house is on, when my car hits something. Neither me or me friend see anything but I hear something under my car and look out the rear view mirror as a plastic trash bag seemingly flies out from under my car and sails aimlessly into the sky. Thinking that is what I hit, I press the gas to continue to the party (my car has never come to a complete stop but am rolling at this point ---and everything happens in seconds....SECONDS!!). My car lurches forward and begins to skid, where I immediately slam both feet down on the break and wait the eternity it takes for my car to come to a stop.

I look at my BFF, and say, "Oh my God! I think I hit a dog!" All the color leaves her face and panic begins to set it. I tell her, "I'm gonna go look." She grabs my arm and cries, "Please don't leave me!" I bark at her, "I have to check!!" At this point, I am sick with fear. I know I didn't see a dog, there was no dog, and my BFF knew that too. The street was absolutely desolate --there was nothing there!

I open my car door, and as I do, all sound has cease to exist --not even a whisper on the wind is present. It is eerily silent; not even the rain makes a noise as it hits the dark street. I begin to run towards the house, which is only 2 more houses down, to get help. And as I do, I tell myself, "You have to look Melissa, you have to look and see what it is you hit!" And I do! It's absolutely horrible.....I see hair; long human hair.

I burst into the house and yell, "I HIT SOMEONE!!!" Hysterically. People come flooding down the stairs yelling the Young Girl's name. They knew who it was; only later will I find out why they know it is her. I immediately call the police despite some of the partyers telling me not to. The police take forever, I think, forever! But they were there in less than a minute, because the fire station was down the street, thank God! The sounds of the approaching sirens blaring throughout the dark night, haunts me forever. I cannot go outside, I cannot. Only now do I recognize it as Jesus, but something kept telling me not to go back outside. Later I know why, Young Girl, is now moaning and crying. I'm glad I do not have that memory nor the memory of her being pulled out. Luckily my car, at the time, was low to the ground ---her body was wedged between my ground effects and my brush guard! She never hits my tires people! That, my friends, is Jesus!! JESUS!!

I undergo DUI testing, which I pass because, fortunately, I had not made it to the party yet! But I cannot help but to feel completely responsible. Why was she in the street? How did I not see her? I keep asking my self over and over!

I learn later about her drunken fit through the neighborhood, and unfortunately, shortly after her friends left to go back to the party, she tried to follow. She passed out in the street, right on the turn, she was wearing all black....

What brought this up? Why am I thinking about this dark night 20 years ago? Because the person that I hit, was once again requesting to be my friend on Facebook. A few years ago she found me on FB and I readily accepted her friend request. I was elated that she was back in my life, an old acquaintance. The accident didn't cause a rift but drew us closer together, we shared a horror that no one else could understand. For many years we stayed in fairly close contact and she even attended the baby shower of my first child. However we lost all contact, when we both moved out of state. Needless to say,I was super excited to 'see' her again.

My hopes were quickly dashed as I 'saw' her hopelessness. She looked very much addicted to Meth and in fact had lost her children. I was heartbroken for her, and reached out to her several times simply offering my love and encouragement. Despite my attempts, she ended up leaving a very awful and just dark post on my wall, accusing me for all of her life's mistakes and for the condition in which her life was currently in. My wall people! Where my kids have access to it, the women and teens I mentor.... I was horrifie!! My only response, though, was to delete it and her ---blocking her from my FB. I knew there was nothing that I could say that would make anything better, and I wasn't going to engage in her game of hate and blame.

That was over a year ago, and a few days ago, again, I found myself staring at another friend request from her. This was a huge battle for me because I hate making people feel unaccepted, but that is not always the healthy or best choice. This is the very reason that I have had to learn to enforce strict boundaries in my life. Unwilling to simply so no, I peek in on her FB life, and it is an absolute wreck! Ugh! I'm devastated. Meth has completely changed her appearance and her rantings are incoherent and hate-filled. With a sad heart, I refuse her request.

The moral of this long tale?

Although there is many; in my maturity and through the redeeming blood of Christ, am I able to recognize what is mine to own:

1. I was an inexperienced driver. I had only had my license for apporx. 9 months when this accident occurred. Oh! how things would be SO different if that accident happened in my adult life. How it would be different!! I have forgiven myself for this!
2. I made very poor friend choices. I didn't care about myself and I unfortunately hung out with people who didn't really care about me. I was so broken by the abuses I suffered, it was familiar to hang out with dangerous, destructive, and self adsorbed people. I should have never been on my way to that party house, again! I should have been home applying to colleges....studying....hanging out with my family. I have forgiven myself for this!

Everything else was a terrible, horrible, awful accident. The only way I can fix any thing for you Sweet Young Girl, is get down on my knees and cry out to the only One who can save you from yourself. And that, Sweet Girl, I do. 

I could of very easily chosen the path Young Girl did, this sadly is only minor when compared to the tragedies that I have suffered. I'd be justified to be a wreck, but we all have a choice --the ugly beauty of choice. What will you choose when tragedy knocks on your door? Will you allow the misery of defeat or will you rise up and be called a conqueror?