8/12/11
The boys and I were driving to meet a friend, when I was suddenly cut off by a white car
Me: Watch it Old Man!! (I yell, could've been worse people but I'm working it out with Jesus)
Jo: It can't be an old man mom (he says all matter of fact like)
Me: It is Jo, I can see him, he's old (I say trying to calm my irritation)
Jo: Mom, old people are really smart, like grandpa, they know everything.
Me: True Jo, but they still make mistakes.
So several hours latter, we are driving home....
Jo: MOM!!! Watch out!!
Me: What?!? (trying not to swerve off the road)
Jo: It's the Old Man!!! ( He points to an old man driving a blue semi truck)
Me: Whaaaa.....(slowly dawning on me)
Jo: The old man is right there mom!!!
Needless to say we all busted up laughing!!! BTW: Old man, yes; same one, no!
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7/12/11
My mom, Joey, and myself were out grocery shopping, one of our hauls being Sam's Club. We have the back seat of the truck piled high and my sweet lil Jojo encased in groceries. But we made it up to him with a ginormous Icee and a cup of mini Chip Ahoy Cookies.
Jo: OUCH!!
Me: What's wrong?
Jo: These dang boxes keep falling on me! (Sam's Club sized Raisin Bran and Life boxes)
Me: Well push it back!
(so this same conversation continues as he barks at the boxes to "stop stabbing him" and me helping to push them back into place, when I hear......)
Jo: OH MY GOSH!!! If you stab my one more time, I'm gonna punch you in the face, WHEATED BRAN!! (He says this it a semi super hero voice as if he was warning his arch nemesis for the last time)
My mom and I bust up laughing! "Wheated Bran!!" This kids is seriously the funniest!!
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6/1/11
My mom and I were sitting at the table doing what we do and listening to Ella Fitzgerald when Jo came to join us and shine a little bit of "boy" in our girl moment. So Ella's powerfully belting out that "nothing is gonna scare her" (my mom's singing along)
Jo: I bet a haunted house would scare her
We both stop (mom stops singing) and stare at him in confusion.
Me: What?
Jo: The lady singing, I bet she'd be afraid of a haunted house.
We both laugh, realizing what he is talking about, as she starts singing the course line again.
Me: Maybe!
Jo: I bet she'd be really afraid of the Tower of Doom.
Me: Maybe, but I think she passed away so I guess her song is right, she's really isn't afraid of anything!
Mom: Let's google her and see.
Jo; Yeah Grandma-Grroooglier her!
(We both laugh again, as my mom googles her and discovers that Ella, in fact, had passed away)
Jo: ...sad sigh.... how could she be dead when she sings of beautiful!
Too adorable! Well Ella, alive or dead, you're still winning hearts!
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4/3/12
John and were talking about about a hilarious conversation I had with Noah when he was about 8 or 9 years old; I thought I'd share a giggle with you all:
******Disclaimer******* this was a talk on human anatomy
Noah: Mama? Why do girls bleed out their wieners?
Me: (stifled laugh) First off girls do not have wieners...
Noah: (cuts me off) yeah they have cracks!
Me: Cracks? (stifle another laugh) You know what they say about crack, son?
Noah: (all innocent) No! (eyes wide with a tinge of fear and excitement twinkling in his eyes)
Me: Well, bud, it kills! (I'm laughing, he doesn't get it so I move on to explain the menstruation cycle to him, as he sits horrified!)
After several mins of contemplation....
Noah: Mom?
Me: (Oh, Jesus come now, I think to myself..lol) What's up?
Noah: Why do girls where those "underwares" with the string that goes up their butt?
Me: (So I freak out first) Where ave you seen those kind of underwear? (I almost bark)
Noah: I haven't (he colors with embarrassment) I heard the girls in class talking about their mama's undies.
Me: (feeling satisfied with his answer) well, some girls where them so that they don't have pantie lines when they wear something "fancy". (I try to explain the practical use of the g-string)
Noah: Oh! (he let's out a dramatic sigh of relief)
Me: What?
Noah: I thought girls had to wear them to hold their poop in!
Me: (I bust up laughing) Seriously?!?
Noah: Yes! ( she says still colored with relief)
Me: Noah, girls hold their poop in the same way boys do! There is no difference!
BOYS!!!!
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1/29/11
Jo: Grandma, you know that Jesus never sleeps?
G-ma: He doesn't?
Jo: Nope! He's making people!
G-ma: He is?
Jo: Yep, like all day.
G-ma: You don't think he ever rests?
Jo: Nope! (long thoughtful silence) I bet he has sacks all the way down to his feet!
Haha!! Sacks being bags under his eyes!! Too funny!!
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1/22/11
Jo and I were doing yoga one morning after the older boys went to school.
Jo: grunt, sigh, grunt, long sigh.....
Me *giggle* (he's lifting his little leg trying to keep up)
Jo: How can this lady handle this
Me: It's her job; you're doing good buddy!
Jo: more grunting and sighing.....she's making me crazy!
Me: *giggle*
So we finally finish......
Jo: Let's do another one!!
lol!! he's caught the yoga fever!!
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1/2/12
Random made up words
Noah: ahhhjuuu (I want some juice)
iiiiiite (Can I have a bite of your food?)
Frampa (Grandpa)
Connor: dink dink ( Can I have a drink?)
missappear (disappear)
Crappa (Grandpa)
Joey: LaLa (daddy)
hanatizer (Hand Sanitizer)
Parmajeejjje (Parmesan Cheese)
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11/19/10
Jo and I were driving to a friends house when we drove pass a bank on the corner, near the place she lives.
Jo: We used to bank there, huh mom?
Me: Nope, we've never banked there.
Jo: What's it called?
Me: Key bank....that's why there's a huge key on the front.
Jo: Oh (long silence) Why do they call it a bank?
Me: (trying to impart wisdom) A bank is like a storage of a particular item, and the bank, banks money for people.
Jo: I think it should have a different name.
Me: Really? Like what?
Jo: (thinking...deep breath...and in a robotic like voice) al-a-dar!
Me: Aladar? Why?
Jo: I don't know...it just sounds better!
Me: (giggles) Yup, it does sound better!
Jo: That's Spanish, huh mom?
Lol..this child has a great imagination and a strange love for Spanish!
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10/31/10
^Excerpts from Halloween^
**
Jo and Noah are up at a house trick or treating.....
Jo: (Women opens her door) Uhhhh, What's that smell? (women smiles puzzled) it smell bee-ssgusting!
**
The boys are up at a house where a boy in a costume is holding the candy bowl which says "Take 3". You can't tell weather the boy is real or not. Connor and Jo approach with extreme caution and after much hesitation, they take a piece. The boy grabs Jo's hand!
Connor: Hey! I know you!
Jo: (pulls his hand away) Hey! I DON'T know YOU!! (then struts off with the muscles of his Hulk costume flexed)
**
Driving home:
Joey: I'm gonna puke
Noah: Me too!
Connor: CanLY (no 'd') is deadly.
Noah: CANDY , Connor.....guess it hurts your brain and not your stomach.
Connor: (slow realization of his blunder) I'm gonna slap you silly boy! (Almost in a crazy Larry Boy voice)
Noah: To late....I'm already silly!
Ain't that the truth! ha!
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10/27/10
I picked Jo up from Pre-K and we were discussing his day:
Jo: Mom I know Spanish!
Me: Really?
Jo: Yep. Wanna hear?
Me: Ofcourse I do.
Jo: (very fastly and in a semi-Mexican accent) don't-do-that-don't-do-that-don't-do-that
Me: (containing giggles) That's not Spanish buddy.
Jo: It sounds like it huh?
Me: Kinda....is that what the teacher say the Spanish kids in your class?
Jo: No....but it sounds like Spanish (and goes into it again) don't-do-that-don't-do-that-don't-do-that.....
Hahahaha!!
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10/25/10
Noah and Connor were doing the dishes and, of course, Connor got hurt. Noah decided to juggle John's thermos to the cupboard but has not quite mastered it (to say the least ha!) and dropped the thermos which bounced off Connor's shin. So I go to him and am hugging him, loving his pain away...
Connor: (crying) ...dramatic groan...
Me: It's okay buddy, you're gonna be fine.
Connor: (crying subsiding) ...longer dramatic groan...
Me: (squeezing him a little tighter I kiss the top of his little curly head)
Connor: Mom (desperate whine)
Me: What bud? (hugging him tighter)
Connor: Let go....your boobs are on my face... (tortured expression)
Jeesh! So much for hugging the boo-boos away!! hahha!
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9/17/10
So I was being...let's say...a crabby patty last night
John: Hey, I'm going to Lowes
Me: What?!?
John: I'm going to Lowes to buy a ladder.
Me: What the heck do you need a ladder for?! (with equal confusion and irritation)
John: To get over your attitude! (Not sure how long he's been planning to use this one!)
Me: Whaaat? (smile starting to break out as I realize that he made a funny) A Ladder?
John: (Smile of pure satisfaction spread across his face)
Me: (bahahahaha) That's Hilarious!!
Lesson: Laughter is the best medicine for a bad attitude!!
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July 13, 2010
Noah: Dude I want one of those little, shaking Chihuahua dogs.
Connor: Why?
Noah: So I can put it under my pillow (Connor gives a cocked eyebrow) I'll have a massage pillow that never runs out of batteries...
Connor: ((Makes the sound effects for the said pillow....))
...confirmation that we made the right choice when we decided on a large dog breed! lol!
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July 7th, 2010
We are sitting in the ER waiting for the meds they pumped Connor full of to take effect...
Connor: My leg hurts where I had to get the epi pen. (he is softly rubbing it as his little chest huffs and puffs for air).
Me: I'm sorry bud. (what can I say! it sucks when a mama can't stop the pain)
Connor: Miss De had to stab it into my leg, I think that's why it hurts so bad.
Me: Probably. Remember that's how you have to do the epi pen, you have to press on it pretty hard.
John: Just be thankful Miss De didn't miss and hit you in the penis!
Connor: What!?!?
We all bust up laughing!!
Me: Yeah cause if she missed, you wouldn't have a pee pee anymore. (cause I gotta be all medical with it remembering that Nation Jewish said to make sure we always stuck it in a large part of the body like the thigh. And, most importantly, be careful to keep our fingers away from the needle cause if we injected a finger we would end up losing it!)
Connor: It would fall off?
Me: No that would have to cut it off!
Connor: Is my leg gonna fall off?
John: No! That's why I said you should be thankful that she didn't miss!
LOL....what the heck! Never a dull moment even when the moments are stressful!
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June 28th, 2010
Me: Connor?! (I'm yelling for him from my room) Connor!? (Takes him a few good yells) CONNOR!!!
Connor: Yeah (answers in his, "it's whatever" kinda way)
Me: Could you put some lotion on the middle of my back? (I got a burn in the middle of my back where I failed to reach w/ the sunscreen)
Connor: ............. (yep, silence, cause he had to think about it...WHAT?!?! You know what I've done for this child!!)
Me: Hello, put some lotion on my back! (No longer a question but now a demand!!)
Connor: Okay (wow. painful I know to rub a little lotion of the small spot your sweet mama couldn't reach...hmmmm lol)
So he rubs it in then holds his hand up in front of his body as if it was now radioactive. I hear him knock on the bathroom door where Noah is taking a shower..
Noah: What do you want?!? (He spats in his lovingly brother tone)
Connor: I am going to cut off my hand then throw it in the garbage (still holding his diseased hand in front of him I'm sure.)
Noah: ....silence....(clearly deciding to launch into a full verbal assault about getting out of the bathroom while he is in it but curiosity \wins)
I hear the shower curtain move aside as he steals an expecting look at Connor's mutated hand.
Noah: What happened?
Connor: (voice full of horror) Mom made me rub lotion on her back...it was disgusting.
Noah: I know! (cause he is the one that typically has to do it!! haha!!)
(Shower curtain closes)
Noah: Get out! (He snaps with no regard or sympathy!!)
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April 30th, 2010
We were at King Sooper last night finishing up the last of our grocery shopping......
In the toilet paper aisle
Joey: Mom can we PLEASE get some more toilet paper (so we ran out Wed night and I refuse to go to the store till shopping day...paper towels it was!)
Connor: Yeah mom my butt hurts (and he held it to drive the point home)
Me: Yes.
Joey and Connor: YES! (cheers broke out in the aisle)
As I am looking though my coupons for a Cottenell(sp?) coupon John holds up a 4 pack of Charmin and smiles at me.
Me: I'm getting this [the cottenelle] it's on sale.
I go back to looking through my stash when I am suddenly knocked of balance because John took that 4-pack and chucked it down the aisle and hit me square in the chest!
Before I could get my barring chaos borke out in the aisle. Jo grabs a pack and nails John...in the "you know where" Connor pegs him in the face...before I can say a single thing. Might I add a man was turning his cart down our way but with a shocked look decided against it.
Me: okay that's enough!! (everyone stops)
The next thing I know, I'm going to grab my selection to get the heck out of that aisle as fast as I could when Noah grabs a twelve roll double pack and chucks it at John's face. John (all matrix style) narrowly avoids being hit; however, the pack hit the cart bounced up and hit the shelves of baggies and such...sending them flying. Rolls of toilet paper came out of the pack and all. I may add here too that just as the TP hit the shelves a women was startled to death (literally jumped in the air), gave us a look of disgust, and walked off.
Me: Noah!
Noah: What? you were grabbing one!
Me: to put in the cart!
And then it happened, we bust up laughing...each of us hard. Like the hard laugh you do...making no sound as you laugh but a screeching sound as you breathe in! Ridiculous!!
So we make it to the car, without being "talked to" about our behavior...still laughing...
John: King Sooper probably hates us. ( I Laugh) Next time we come in their gonna be, "Oh, He@@ no! Not their ghetto butts again!!
....yes we cleaned up after ourselves!!
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April 29th, 2010
Joey: Mom, you're an Indian.
Me: No I'm not.
Joey: Yes you are (very adamantly)
Me: No Joey, I'm just a white girl.
Joey: Well that's what the bible says! (all smart like)
Me: Really? It says that huh?
Joey: Yep! The bible says you are an Indian (case settled!
So, here I am, now an Indian girl cause the Bible says so! ha!I guess he couldn't figure out why they are all native American and I'm not, so he used the bible to adopt me into their little Indian clan.
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April 24th, 2010
We were at 3 margaritas eating dinner when a huge family was seated next to our table. The kids were all teens and cursing it up in front of and at their parents. My boys couldn't understand why the parents let their kids talk this way sooo......
(in the car)
Connor: If those kids were mine, I'd beat them.
Me: You can't beat your kids.
Noah: Well, then I'd just slap 'em, violently
Joey: I'd pee in my pants, then take 'em off and beat them with 'em! (WHAT??)
(The whole car erupts in laughter!! I almost had to pull the car over!)
Connor: That'd be hilarious cause you'd be standing there in your underwear
Noah: wet underwear!
Connor: and your socks would be wet too!!
John: swinging your pee pee pants like a whip!!
(uncontrollable laughter!!)
pee pee pants..the new form of discipline
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April 15th, 2010
Thursday night is our family night, so we decided to go the library. Connor and Jo were in the teen section playing games on the computers, John was sitting in the waiting area near them, watching them play, Noah was looking for a book, and I was coming from the front of the library, trying to find them. I do have to mention that the library was FULL...they had a huge class of ESL learners that they were touring through the library...
I find John and luckily an empty seat next to him.......
John: Hi.
Me: Hey.
John: So, do you come here often? (sly smile)
Me: Typically on Thursday's (raised eyebrow)
John: So do I. (Diffuses a small computer fight between Jo and Connor)
Me: Are those your kids?
John: Yep.
Me: Oh.
John: Oh?
Me: Well...you see, I don't date guys with kids. (sly smile)
John: .......speechless
Me: giggle....(I go to get up to help Connor and Jo switch games.)
John proceeds to smack my tush when I get up, and to our surprise, several people were watching in anticipation for my response. It seems we had several people listening to our little conversation. John and I bust up laughing!!
Noah: (he comes back in the middle of it all) What?
John and I: ......still laughing
Family night is the best!!
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April 12, 2010
Connor teaching Joey to read: Connor would read the sentence then Jo would copy.
Connor: Good job buddy, you read that whole page all by yourself!
Jo: I know. [grunting sigh] That really hurt!
Connor: What? (total confusion)
Jo: It really hurt!
Connor What hurt?
Jo: My hands.......
**Warning** Reading may cause pain to hands!
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April 2010
Joey: [in a weary tone] I'm brain dead.......seriously.......I'm brain dead
Silence
Connor: [sings in a monotone note] duh...duh....duh...duh...duh..... (still singing)
Noah: [sings at a faster beat] durdur....durdur.....durdur....durdur.... (still singing)
John: [Sings all techo style] duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.........(all singing together)
Me: Nothing....cause I didn't get it! hahaha!! Boys!!
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March 2010
Joey: Hey Brother, Is poop sticky?
(Silent contemplation w/ heads cocked to the side and all)
Noah: I think it's more clingy then sticky.
Connor: [Gagging noise] Yep, I think your right, it's clingy!
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