In the first few months proceeding my brother's death, I absolutely blamed myself. Coming from a single parent home, we had to take care of each other while our mom worked her butt off the provide us. Naturally I tortured myself with every bad decision I had made on the behalf of myself and my brother. I shouldn't have done this, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him smoke, I shouldn't have let him hang out with that person, I shouldn't have drank with him, I shouldn't have used drugs with him, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have.
Once I met Jesus, He took my pain, anger, guilt, and shame away. It wasn't my fault my brother was murdered!! It was his. The consequences of his own sins brought about his violent end. I think of sin like rain drops on still water. Each drop reverberates across the surface of the water, and depending on how big the drop (sin) is, it's ripple can travel great distances wrecking havoc to all that is in it's wake.
I know that some of my sin crashed into his life, but he was never powerless to making different decisions. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this whole mess should never be turned into a blame game. My fault because I didn't have a moral compass. My parents' fault for their failed marriage and bad decisions. My grandparents' faults for their junk, and their parents, parents......generation after generation of poor decision making, neglect, addiction, and violence. Heck let's go all the way back, it's Adam and Eve's fault for eating the forbidden fruit.
And so grossly blamed is God. He did not have this future in mind for my brother. His great plan for Stephen's life was for him to be a mighty warrior for Christ. A man who loved big, and cared for people without restraint. The Lord continually pursued my brother, constantly trying to redirect his path, but my brother chose not to respond. When the plot to kill my brother started to unfold, God told my brother over and over, "she is going to kill you". Stephen left twice only to return to her knowing what she was planning. I believe with all my heart that before that first bullet made contact with my brother's body, he was already embraced in the arms of his Savior --taken up to heaven and completely healed.
Here's what I know to be true. Sin has consequences not karma. And, those who believe are forgiven. Completely and totally forgiven. Do I still have to deal with some of the consequential fallout of my sin? Yes! Those who were involved with the murder of my bother, if they have accepted Jesus as their savior, they are forgiven. Their salvation is non negotiable! However, they won't be getting out of prison until their sentences have been served. Consequence!
I am forgiven! I am no longer that old person, I am no longer any of the mistakes I made. I m free, new, and blessed. And the icing on the cake? Mine nor John's sin will fall on the laps of our children, because we have been redeemed, and in that redeeming power generational sin and family curses are broken! He blesses those who love Him for thousands of generations (Deut 5).
The hardest part: Living a life that reflects my forgiveness. Receiving His forgiveness and forgiving myself. Every day that I wake up, I remind myself that I am forgiven, and my past no longer has any power over me! It cannot destroy me nor steal from me anymore!
I leave you with a song that so beautifully illustrates this point:
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